Not always with patience and not always with joy, but I will wait. I will choose to wait. I will continue to wait. And I will act while I wait.

I will wait for God’s timing. I will trust in His providence for the here and now.

Discontentment is always lurking around the corner – always seeking to inch its way into my thinking and disturb my peace and trust.

I was married for 11 years, the latter 3 1/2 separated as he pursued a divorce.  I prayed fervently and waited faithfully for 8 years for the man who claimed to be a Christian when we married to either get saved or act like one. I prayed more fervently and waiting painstakingly for the man who left and initiated divorce to come to repentance and return to his family. In all of that the Lord repeatedly said, “No,” and continue to do a greater work than I could have anticipated or even understood at the time.

Now on this side of a divorce, over a year after it officially went through, I continue to wait.

I wait at the prospect of the Lord providing me a Gospel-believing, Gospel-living husband and my children a Gospel-teaching dad to shepherd our family. I wait as the days and months go by, and as friends around me marry. I wait as I hold out the vision for marriage set forth in Scripture, and the integrity of marriage I see around me yet reflect on the only experience I have had that fell so far short from what seems possible. I wait as I seek to instill a right view of marriage for my children, striving to refrain from skewing their perspective based on my unequally yoked experience. I wait as I wonder if I’d even be any good at marriage at this stage of life, with the baggage I carry and the children I bring.

I wait, and I work.

I continue to press on towards the goal of knowing Christ. I continue to work to share His good news to the world. I work towards providing for my children financially, while I care for them practically and educate them academically.

I work in my writing and I work in my business.

I recognize that the Lord has me right where He wants me and I resign myself to His will alone.

I submit to His direction and plan for my life.

It may very well be that my service to Him will continue to be best executing without a spouse.

It may be the case that my love for my eternal Groom will grow more alone than with a companion.

He may so ordain that my children see the Gospel not in viewing their mom married, but in viewing her fidelity and loyalty while single.

I seek to trust wholeheartedly, which requires contentment in all circumstances, and just so happens to produce joy as well.

I seek to follow the Lord wherever He leads, trusting that He will instill into my heart the desires that He intends to fulfill. And for those desires He may choose to leave unfulfilled, knowing that even in that there is purpose; even in that He is pointing me to Himself because no earthly desire can ultimately fulfill — only He completely satisfies.

I will remind myself that I am owed nothing, and that my purpose on this earth is determined by my Creator, not by my wishes and whims.

There is work for me to do on this earth. That work does not begin at marriage – that work transcends marriage. There are children to disciple and train. There are friends to love and serve. There is a church body to join and worship with. There is a Gospel to bring to the world. I am to be about my Father’s business in every stage of life – and while this stage remains, while I am single and unencumbered by the responsibilities that come with marriage, I will seek all the more to make the best use of my time to accomplish what He has for me, so that one day I will hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.” (Matthew 25:21).

So while I continue to hope for a particular future, I will also continue to wait and to work.