I never thought of myself as one who was much affected by peer pressure, until this encounter:
College. Freshman year. Hanging out with a sophomore and soccer teammate. She recounts for me a party she went to over the weekend: at some point, one of the gals she was with had the bright idea to take off their shirts and run shirtless outside, around the house once. It was dark, was the reasoning, no one would see anyway, and it would be funny.
Every other gal readily complied – Sarah simply said “no.” No, I’m not doing that, that is stupid, where her exact words, if I remember correctly. Indeed that was a stupid idea, and yet I listened in awe that she said no. Not because I was surprised she thought the idea was dumb, but because in the midst of everyone else doing it, she said no boldly and unwaveringly. I was in awe because, had I been in that situation, despite also finding the idea dumb, I wasn’t so sure that I would have said no. There was a real possibility that I would have gone along with it solely because I didn’t want to cause dissention or be viewed as difficult or stubborn, as I was often labeled in my younger years.
Sarah knew how to say NO. I venture to guess that at least one other gal, a gal who did join in, also thought it was dumb, but never having learned how to say NO, she went along.
In fact, I know that is the case because one gal came up to Sarah afterwards and stated that she admired her for saying no and not joining in.
Mom, Dad, teach your child how to say NO
In the face of evil – refuse to join in either by partaking in the action or by silently giving assent by saying nothing. When the bully is bullying, teach your child to step in and protect the victim. Teach them that there are moral rights and wrongs, life is not all relative, and when they see the wrong being committed, to have the courage to do all s/he can to stop it. We need more courageous young people to rise up at courageous adults.
In the face of temptation – peer pressure is real and isn’t always overt. Sure, it can come in the form of one person intentionally putting pressure on the other; come on man, one hit won’t kill you. But it also comes in a more subtle form. My friend in the scenario above faced both kinds. She was overtly pressured by the other girls in that group, but there was also a silent pressure — she was the only one not joining in. The silent pressure tells her that she isn’t cool, or she is elitist, she thinks she is better than us, etc. But she say no anyway.
In the face of fear – learn to act despite the fear. Learn to say no to the fear itself. No, I will not give in to these thoughts. No, I will not let that fear stop me from…applying to that job, asking that girl out, taking a bold step towards entrepreneurship, quitting this job to take a lower paying but far more interesting one. There is a difference between stupidity and courage, and that also needs to be taught. But teach your teen to not be controlled by their fear. Fear will keep them from challenging the bully above. Fear of man, of other’s opinions, will keep them from saying no to temptation. Teach them to say no to fear and focus on the goal at hand, focus on the moral right they are defending, focus on the principles by which they choose to live their life, despite any temptation or peer pressure that may come.
To peer pressure – many of these are intertwined, but deserve to be stated on their own. Fear can cause people to give into peer pressure. Fear of being judged or labeled. There is a possibility that by standing up for with is right, and sticking to one’s personal convictions, your teen will be accused of being judgemental or rude, or arrogant, or difficult. By saying no to the dumb idea to run outside topless, my friend risked being called a prude. She didn’t care. She stuck to her convictions anyway. In order to have the courage to resist peer pressure, your teen needs to have a predetermined set of convictions, and reasons for those convictions. Help them to say no to peer pressure by preparing them for potential scenarios and helping them figure out what they believe and why, about life, career, friendships, religion, all aspects of life.
To self – denying oneself is a good thing. Saying no to the impulse purchase of the latest electronic will likely be a better long term financial decision than spending money on a whim. Learning to be intentional about fueling oneself with nourishing food, rather than hitting every fast food joint is a better long term strategy for good health and good energy. No matter what age or stage in life, we can convince ourselves that we deserve this or that or the other thing. By developing the ability to say NO to ourselves, we learn self discipline, we set ourselves up for better, more logical decision making. Teach your teen to say no to himself.
To people – there will come a time, if it hasn’t happened already, that you teen will be asked to do something, participate in something or help with something and the best response is no. For a variety of reasons, it is not best for your teen to be engaging in the request, at that particular point in time. And yet so many of us struggle to say no to such requests. Equip your child, and maybe yourself at the same time, on how to say no. I defer to Professor Adam Grant to help you fully navigate this skill, but here are the two that may best apply to teens: The Deferral: “I’m swamped right now, but feel free to follow up” and The Relational Account: “If I helped you, I’d be letting others down.” (Visit his article for a full description of these, and more.)